I recall a priceless missionary experience – My companion and I left the apartment one morning and were immediately approached by two Russian “Babuskas” (VERY old women). It was obvious they had something important to tell us. I greeted them and at once one responded: “Boys! You need to know that the book you read wasn’t written by God. It was written by a man who was possessed by the DEVIL!”
I thought this was an odd conversation starter, but being friendly and curious, I questioned them as to what they meant. They said they were missionaries from another church, and during our brief conversation, they frequently made mention of our foolishness for reading a book of the devil. Finally I cut them off with a question. “So, you seem to be familiar with the Book of Mormon. I take it you have read it?”
“NEVER!” they cried with gusto. “We would NEVER read a book written by the devil!!”
Another post-mission experience – It was General Conference time, and together with some returned missionary friends, I attended a couple of sessions in the
The moral of these two stories is this: People do not react well to being told they are wrong. And this goes for everybody. If you want to have any type of influence in the eyes of another, don’t go out of your way to tell them how wrong they are, either verbally or non-verbally. When somebody finds out I go to church and rolls their eyes, they lose some of my respect. Family members who don’t go to church don’t appreciate hints that they might not be able to see their friends in heaven, the masked invitations to activities, or the periodic scriptural passages taped to the bathroom mirror. And the list goes on…
I don’t think that we are unable to respect the beliefs of others. I believe the real problem comes from our own delusions of grandeur. We subconsciously feel that others are yearning to have our wisdom imparted upon them. Jesus Christ said “Judge not, lest ye be judged.” We recognize the meaning of not passing judgment on other people, but perhaps He was also telling us not to judge ourselves. If we judge ourselves as superior, supposing that others have never thought about the same issues that we have, and pass premature judgment on our own ultimate eternal standing before God, then perhaps we have broken this commandment.
I would love to hear your opinions.
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9 comments:
A thoughtful discussion of how superiority pisses people off, though I had to wonder what prompted the post...one thing I have been told about(though I have not personally experienced it much) is the tendency of Romanians to correct other people. As for religion, though I was raised (technically) as a Jew, I managed to irritate everyone in my late teenage years by vocally becoming almost Orthodox in my beliefs and practices. In college I did decide that I needed to read the New Testament before I could continue to say I didn't believe in it- as you can tell I wasn't convinced, but Jesus did say some pretty thought-provoking stuff.
Enough about that- good post.
I think what Nils said is right on, and I like the comment from the previous blog entry (Tyson, I think it was- if not, I apologize), about his experience as a missionary and approaching people with the goal of finding things in common, not launching right away into a discussion of how the LDS church is different.
I'm amazed at how well my wife seems to build relationships with people strong in their own faiths by building a basis of common ground- she recently held a personal fast with someone who's not LDS for something they were both concerned about (am I that cloistered that I didn't realize too many other churches put stock into fasting? I need to explore the world outside my own bubble more). I, again, love what President Hinckley counseled to us that our attitude should be to others: Bring the truth you have and let's see if we can add to it. The unspoken part of that, I think, is: And even if we can't, we can still be friends. President Hinckley was a stalwart example of how one can be great friends with those of other faiths- a witness of that is that some of the most heartfelt and touching tributes to Pres. Hinckley, after his passing, came from those ofother faiths.
A final thought about judging: While this is often taken a bit out of context (we have to judge sometimes, and are expected to judge between good and evil), I think Nils hit something important that mirrors something I was taught in Russia: Be careful about final judgements, both about ourselves and especially about others. I think it's reasonable and fair to see someone who is leading what I deem to be a lifestyle counter to what I want to lead, and to judge that that is someone I don't need to spend too much time around. BUt to judge them with the thought: they are evil and are going to hell..that is neither my place nor my responsibility to judge that person in that way. I can judge a situation, like that of the protestors at General Conference, and judge that I don't want to talk to the protestors, because I won't accomplish anything but making them and myself mad. But who am I to judge them and find them unworthy of good manners or some kindness or a smile? Final judgements are reserved for the Lord, who is far more fair than I could ever be. ANd for that I am thankful (most of the time ;)
Nils and I have discussed this issue a great deal, so I'm grateful that he's brought it up. Good on ya, buddy...::hugs Nils::
I work on campus at Utah State University. A couple of months ago, in my daily walks around campus, I noticed a couple of Elders in discussions with people. Sometimes, they would be reading scriptures to an audience of one or two while the listener was perhaps poised over their bike...that sort of thing.
One day, as I was headed to the student center to get a quick lunch to carry back to my office, I noticed ahead of me that they were stopping people and talking to them. I wondered if they would approach me. They did...stepped right out in front of me, and stuck their hand out in greeting. They introduced themselves as Elders (whatever), and I said, "Greetings, Elders." One followed up with, "I take it that you are a member?" Not being able to just lie and say "yes" OR say "no, and I'm not interested," (remember that I was also in a hurry), I was a little flustered and said, "Used to be."
Oops.
Wrong answer. :)
With an instant look of concern in their faces, they asked, "What happened?" I was torn at first because one of my complaints as a former member is that nobody ever bothers to ask why I left. Yet, how do you express years of processing in a sentence, or give a quickie explanation? Wow...that was tough. One elder popped up with, "Well, you need to get back to reading your scriptures." Yikes. What makes one think that leaving the church is equated with not reading scriptures? That part touched a nerve. At that point, I instinctively started walking away, and people were crossing the sidewalks between us. One of the elders called out rather loudly to me (across the heads of others), "Joseph Smith is a true prophet!"
Wha...? Yikes again.
I thought about this encounter for days, and walked the campus hoping to run into them again. I decided that I'd invite them over for dinner, and tell them a couple of things. I had a desire to tell them that their style of approaching people was not the way to win friends and influence people. Having had a missionary son, I felt some sort of motherly attachment to them. I didn't blame THEM for their socially inappropriate behavior; I wanted (still do) to blame the Church for allowing such behavior.
I could say more, but I'll leave it at that.
I'd like to say that I appreciate the gentle approach here, and the ability to dialogue with such an intelligent and thoughtful group.
I find it hard to believe the old ladies (now probably standing in a heavenly line chatting gaily) actually expected you two to drop everything and join their church. So what motivates them and the picketers, and Fred Phelps? Let's examine the cost-to-benefit ratio.
Cost:
1. Credibility.
2. Alienating people (who obviously aren't "His sheep" anyway).
Benefit:
1. Warm glowing feeling inside that one is earning points "up there," and potentially confirming one's front row seats, or place in line, or first dibs, etc.
2. One or two people might listen -- the worth of those souls are great, you know.
3. Did I mention stoking one's self-righteous ego? Oh yes see number 1, above.
4. Guilt free during sermons/talks on spreading the gospel.
5. Swapping stories to one's friends.
To Janet's story: I was also going to write a bunch about the teaching that one must bear their testimony to non-believers in order for the Spirit to bear witness of the truth, plus what the church says about how to go about it... but too lazy to cite it all correctly.
I will say however, it is my opinion that the pressure to testify is greater the pressure to testify well.
Good post, Nils. You know, your post doesn't just apply to religious matters, but to any argument or point-making in general.
You will never persuade anyone to do ANYTHING by laughing at what they already do, rolling eyes, yelling, burning flags/photos/likenesses/other flammable objects.
I had somebody laugh and say "REALLY?!" when I responded to their question that I do, in fact, carry a republican party voter ID card in my wallet. Their response did not take into consideration the fact that I Would probably change to "independent" or nothing at all, if only I knew how to do it, or that I really am a reasonable person and can be persuaded by a rational and logical set of good point.
I certainly didn't become a democrat/liberal/anything else other than MORE stubborn though when I saw how they reacted to hearing which political piece of paper was in my wallet. That's for sure!
I like this post, and the comments made so far. Just wanted to say that several comments had me laughing and knodding. You have to feel sorry for Janet's missionaries who ended up much like those old ladies... trying to convince without much thought. I like Jake's comment about the fact that most of us are open to a rational discussion and what others have learned. But it is easy to invoke a mental door slam when you come across superior, mocking, etc. Thus the last point Nils made about not judging ourselves to be so great.
And thanks Toby... I liked your list of benefits. (Do you think we really can get first dibs?)
I will say however, it is my opinion that the pressure to testify is greater than the pressure to testify well.
This sums it up for me. I've gotten better at testifying with practice, but I must admit that stepping off the plane into the mission field, I thought that 'bearing my testimony' meant
1) formally starting with, "I'd like to bear my testimony; I know the Church is true...",
2) ending it, "...in the name of Jesus Christ," and
3) becoming emotional (which I was never very good at commanding).
I've come to realize that most of your testimony is non-verbal. It shows in your eye-contact, your tone of voice, your smile, how much you care about what they say, and your quiet (non-advertised) obedience to the Lord.
Just like Emily I had to start laughing a couple of times,
when you read the comments it is all so obvious > how we annoy people, irritate them and how others offend us. But I think mostly we try to convince poeple (friends, family )of something subconsiously and automatically so that we are not even aware that we do it. I know that it happens to me and I am thankful for those that bear with me ...
Anyhow, being rude to people on the street is done on purpose by those that do not know how to express their anxiety, anger or fear in another way... but I agree with Steven that final judgement is not to be delivered by us.
Michaela
I appreciate your responses this week. I based the title on Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People." If you have never read it, I highly recommend it. It is priceless information for life.
midoriliem: Welcome to the blog, and thank you for sharing your experiences. I don't think anything local (Romanian) prompted the post, but rather recent experiences that others have been sharing with me. I think all people, no matter where they are from, what their belief system, etc., all have this same tendency to assume they are right and feel that others need to be corrected by them when they are wrong. Recognizing this is relatively easy, and hopefully, considering it more will help us to determine how we can change our own character to not fall back on these natural reactions.
Steven: Thanks for your words on judgment, particularly the idea of "final judgment." Trying to take that responsibility upon ourselves in any way not only doesn't solve the problem, it just makes us feel worse, and our worsened mood ends up spilling into others. Then, seeking to correct those who we feel are doing wrong leads to their personal indifference to anything we have to say, and possibly gives them more incentive to rebel, you know, to rub it in. I know this is my normal response. I remember hearing the words of a non-Mormon who grew up in a very Mormon community. When in high school, many of his Mormon peers began to "rebel" and go against what they were taught. He did not, to the surprise of many who thought he would be more susceptible based on his non-religious upbringing. When asked why he wasn't engaging in the same activities as his Mormon friends, his answer was simple: "I guess I don't have anyone to rebel against."
Janet: Thanks for sharing your story. The farther I get away from my own time being a missionary (it has been more than four years now since I "retired" from that profession) the younger the missionaries seem to me. There are missionaries here in Romania who are only a few months older than my youngest brother, which is amazing to me. I realize how inexperienced they are, and in turn how inexperienced I was during that time. However, I realize that two years of missionary work is one of the best maturity refinement sessions a person can experience. Naturally some mature more than others during their two years of service. I feel I came home with a much wider view of the "appropriate" way to testify or share religious beliefs than I had known prior to missionary service. Perhaps I am fooling myself. Nevertheless, I hope the missionaries you met can learn some of the same life lessons. I guess only time will tell.
tobyo - Your analysis is great. Despite the humor, there is a lot of truth in what you say. I have met many a missionary from various religions who are caught up in their work without having much idea about what they are doing. One friend told me an experience of sitting on a plane headed to Salt Lake City. Next to him was a teenage boy with a shirt that said "Hello my Mormon friend, I have a question for you." My friend, who is a Mormon also, thought it was very funny, and began to talk to the kid about what the shirt meant. He said he was part of a youth evangelical missionary group who were coming to Utah to "save the Mormons." My friend (who never revealed he was a Mormon during the conversation) asked the kid what they were going to save them from, and he had no idea. He didn't know what the Mormons believed, and didn't even have a clear idea of what his own religion believed. As to which of your benefits were being sought, I think I will vote for number 1 (in a lot of cases).
jacob: You're a card carrying Republican? REALLY?!?! Just kidding, we welcome those from all political persuasions here. Your story shows an excellent point of what we are talking about. If there are any psychologists who read this blog, I would love to hear some information on why humans seem to thing that making fun of another will result in their changing of their opinion to match that of the mocker.
Emily: Thanks for your constant support and participation. You are the best wife I have ever had. Seriously, you are way better than the last person I was married to (I think it was my own ego).
Thaddeus: Welcome to the blog, and thanks for your post. Your points about "appropriate" and real testimony are wonderful. When I was a missionary, leaders stressed the importance of "BRTing" (Building Relationships of Trust). It is what we should do with everybody in life. If it is our desire to share our beliefs with others, I am convinced that the opportunities come to us if we are doing the work to help people trust us. Plus, it is amazing how much more receptive people are when they ask you first.
Michaela: I have a hard time believing that you offend people in this way. For everybody else who doesn't know Michaela, she is about the nicest and most caring person I have ever known in my life. We are lucky to have you here!
Thank you again to everybody. Tomorrow I will make a new post, beginning a three-part series called "Defining the Church." I hope you will all find it interesting.
Nils
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