I want to thank my mother, Janet, for her article which gave insight on what “leaving the Church” actually means for many. Being the only member of my family who currently participates in the life of the Church, this topic is very important to me. I hope Janet will be willing to continue to contribute articles in the future giving this topic more attention.
As Janet explained, there are many different reasons that people leave the Church, and those reasons are as different as the members themselves who leave. For those of us who are active or participating members, knowing how to react when our close friends or family members have their faith tested can be a challenge. How we react can make a big difference in how they are able to weather the storm.
Recently, a friend of mine, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, was faced with a challenge to her faith. While she remained a committed church member, there were some aspects within the life of the Church which lead her to ask some serious questions. Her first reaction was to ask those questions to those she trusted most – her family and her friends.
Not everybody reacted in the same way. Some listened patiently, allowing her to express her thoughts and views without making her feel rushed, judged, or foolish. Others, as soon as they heard any hint of doubt or concern in her voice, felt it was their duty to quash any such feelings by coming out hard against it before she even had the chance to fully express how she felt.
Luckily, she had enough people in the first category to outweigh those in the second. In the end, her faith was solidified and she remains an active participant in the cause of Mormonism. But, after hearing her recount this experience to me, I couldn't help but wonder if many of those who do end up leaving the Church have their process expedited by well-meaning members who feel that it is the mandate of heaven for them to destroy all doubts whenever the see them sprouting. While such a reaction might be well meaning, it more often than not leads the person to feel that their feelings are invalid. Could such individuals unwillingly be helping them down the path that leads away from the Church?
I wish to make one thing clear before discussing further. Ultimately, the decision one makes about their Church activity rests in their own hands. Agency and personal responsibility are major tenants of the Gospel. Nobody can be forced to remain in the Church or to leave. Moreover, as Janet expressed, leaving the Church is not an easy decision for many. There are those who, even in the most ideal circumstances, will choose to leave. If one truly does not believe the Church is true in their hearts, there is very little that we as church members can do to change that.
Nevertheless, I believe that those of us who are active and believing members of the Church do have a responsibility, or at least the ability, to influence those who are dealing with struggles of their faith.
It is my belief that the vast majority of church members at some point in their experience of religious development are faced with a “crossroads of faith.” Questions and doubts arise. Ultimately, there are three possible paths one can take. Some move away from the Church and the Gospel completely. Some have their faith solidified, becoming deeply committed members of the Church. And finally, there are those who remain stuck, unable to move one way or the other. For some, this period of trial may be relatively short. For others, it may last years before they move on to the next step.
For those who have already passed this meaningful crossroads at least once, we may feel eager to recruit people down the same path we have taken, whether that it is in the Church or out of the Church. Our eagerness to do so may be convincing, or it may have the opposite effect. Nobody should ever feel forced to go in one direction or the other.
What do you think is the best approach to deal with people at this crossroads of their faith? Imagine it is your child, your spouse, another family member, or a close friend. How do you think you would react? How do you think your efforts would be received?
10 comments:
Nicely written, Nils. I'd like to hear what others think as well.
I have come to believe that it is important for people to at least give some thought to the very real possibility that they could lose their testimony. Or, their spouse could fall away. It may seem unfathomable to those of you who are active members right now, but I can "testify" that I've seen it happen over and over, to really good folks and to really wonderful families.
I have friends who were former bishops, relief society presidents, and stake presidents - all very committed church members. They were once strong in their faith, but something along the way changed all that.
Some weathered the storm well with understanding families and spouses; others did not.
Some continue to function under the radar as disbelievers because they are unwilling to risk alienation from friends and family members.
Do you think you could face a challenge of this type?
This is a very engaging topic for me, both on a personal level, and as I see how my ward leadership works to figure out the answers to the questions of what to do about those who are struggling or have left.
At the risk of sounding very "Mormon," let me say that I think the best thing one can do in any situation is to seek the Holy Ghost's guidance, and just as important, follow that guidance. A father whose child is having questions of faith may want nothing more than to wrap as protective a blanket of testimony as he can around that child. But what if the Spirit whispers that he should let the child alone for now?
When our friends leave the Church, maybe our reaction is to jump in immediately and hit them, so to speak, with as much truth and doctrine and conviction and telling them they are doing the wrong thing as we can muster. In some cases, this may work. But in others, I think the Spirit may tell us to wait. Be patient. There may come a time when they need everything we can offer, but it isn't now, and it isn't entirely up to us.
Not sure if this applies to everyone, but I often find myself assuming that if someone is at a crossroads, or questioning their testimony, they are looking for reasons to sustain their doubt. This ill assumption tends to fuel my fears and reduces my ability to listen to the actual discussion. All that makes it into my brain is that a dear friend is questioning the truth and I must do something to convince them to stop questioning. I've had to work past my own automatic fear-induced responses and Listen to the unspoken feelings of the person I'm trying to help. Once I ignore my assumptions, the Spirit can get through to me much better too.
I have a friend who probably fits this crossroads mentality to a tee. He was raised Lutheran, but left that tradition years ago. Then he moved to Utah to go to school.
I invited him to Church and he surprised me by coming. And he kept coming every week. The missionaries started teaching him. He didn't commit to baptism. He stopped reading the Book of Mormon and the Bible, so the missionaries stopped coming over. But he still attends Church meetings every week. And he has a calling on the activities committee.
He's been in this parking orbit for about a year now; I think he's been weighing the pros and cons, but mostly he's been avoiding the question.
I'd say the best thing to do is to trust them and help them trust you. That's what I've learned from this.
Sorry, I'll try this again. I hate that you can't edit and I hate it when I make typos. :)
I think at the core of this is to really look inside ourselves to try to understand WHY our initial response to someone questioning their faith may include panic, fear, and sometimes defensiveness on our part.
Janet-
Two excellent questions. As for the first, I feel like I had this "crossroads of faith" experience a few years ago. It came somewhat unexpectedly, since I was very happy at the time with my church membership and participation. I felt I had already dealt with a lot of the difficult questions earlier, so again, I had very little to question or be concerned about. Perhaps, more than anything, I faced the reality that my decision to be a Mormon was to be part of my identity - and not just any part, but likely the primary aspect of my identity - for my entire life. Perhaps I realized that everything I would do from now until eternity would be done in the context of my religious beliefs. Having this reality settle on me made me think deeply about whether I was doing the right thing. It took several months, nearly a year, of thinking before I felt fully convinced that I was okay following what my heart was telling me was right. I'm sure my experience was different than that of others, but it did give me respect for how important this time is in one's spiritual development.
As for your second question, I would guess that human nature has a lot to do with why we react the way we do. Why do parents try to protect their children, when maybe they need to learn by making a few mistakes? Also, I suspect that many of those who react with fear to another's questions may be due to the fact that they themselves have yet to face this individual test of faith. They see another's questions as a threat that might possibly drag then into the spiritual deep-end before they are ready for it. For those who are facing questions, it is important to recognize this as well, so that we don't inadvertantly push somebody out of their comfort zone simply to meet our own individual needs. Thoughts?
Nils sed: "For those who are facing questions, it is important to recognize this as well, so that we don't inadvertantly push somebody out of their comfort zone simply to meet our own individual needs."
Good point, and important for all individuals engaged in dialogue.
My feeling is that if the glory of God is intelligence, and we consider ourselves students of truth, the truth should be able to withstand scrutiny. The truth is not fragile.
I also wonder if the warnings that are given about those who are questioning, that they are being influenced by "the adversary," don't do more harm than good. I believe that they strike fear and panic in those who see their loved ones experiencing a crisis of faith.
My personal experience has taught me that quiet, gentle support for others when it comes to matters of the heart always deserves respect, and above all, unconditional love.
Mosiah 26 gives a good guideline in this type of situation, I think. In verse 21 it says "And he that will hear my voice shall be my sheep; and him shall ye receive into the church, and him will I also receive."
This concept of "my sheep hear my voice" helped me a lot on my mission, because it helped me to recognise that not all are his sheep, and not all hear his voice. Those who are his sheep can 'hear' the spirit's voice when the truth is taught, and those who are not, don't.
This idea helped me not feel so tragic about those who weren't willing or able to listen, and instead I respected them for who they are.
Thanks for respecting those who choose not to listen. Sometimes I don't feel that I'm respected for my choice not to believe.
If I may point out one thing, and please correct me if I'm wrong...
There is the assumption amongst faithful LDS members (as well as those from some other faiths) that THEIR truth is THE truth, and with that comes an underlying pity for those not willing to "hear the truth."
What that feels like to non-believers is that you are essentially saying that the non-believer's "truth" is inferior to the member's "truth." And, I believe, it is a fundamental flaw in proselyting faiths.
The approach that "I have something better that you NEED" is problematic to a great number of people.
On another note, there is a new John Dehlin podcast up that is pertinent to this thread. It has to do with one member of a couple losing faith while the other still believes. You can hear it here:
http://mormonstories.org/
Podcast 123-125.
"In this series I interview Jacque — a faithful, believing LDS church member whose husband lost his LDS testimony last year."
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