After making the dreaded promise to attend church, I did. And it wasn’t that bad. It was, of course, the first time in several years that I had actually attended religious services. And to be honest, there was nothing that took me by surprise. In fact, it was almost exactly as I remembered it. I sat as one face among many in the congregation, not really listening as the various ward members shared their prepared sermons. I was reminded all too well of my experiences in Sunday school, as I watched the frustrated teacher trying to capture the imagination of uninterested youth.
The truth was, I really only went to make good on my promise. At this point, I still had no desire to truly learn. I felt I had already gone through that process in seminary and in my previous years of church attendance as a child. That boat had come and gone, and I was no longer interested. Moreover, I was super conscious about giving the false impression to anybody that I was “back for good.” So, I tried to remain as neutral and nonchalant as possible when I was asked what I thought about church.
Attending church this one time inevitably led to attendance on subsequent Sundays. I had been afraid this would happen, but I realized I had brought it upon myself by agreeing to attend in the first place. At first I held strong in my neutrality and successfully maintained my status as an uninterested observer. However, despite these initial feelings, being in church had the inevitable effect of awaking some of those now dormant thoughts I had previously entertained regarding the purpose of life and religion in general. It simply was a topic that I found too fascinating to ignore.
While I still shared little in common with these Mormons regarding beliefs, for the first time, I began to analyze the Church as an institution. It became clear to me that for many the Church was a priceless asset, both in terms of temporal benefits and as a sense of spirituality and purpose in life. I began consider whether I felt the Church might actually offer anything of value to me.
I began to think particularly about the experience of missionaries. Many of my friends were beginning to leave to spend two years on missions throughout the various nations of the world. While I was still utterly opposed to the idea of proselytizing one’s religion, my love for all things international sparked feelings of envy as I watched my friends going off to foreign countries and learning new languages. I began to recognize how much value one could gain from such a trying experience. I even toyed with the idea of using the missionary program as a means of satisfying my personal quest for international adventure for the mere sake of the experience. But of course, these thoughts were not very serious.
As summer came, I prepared to enter my senior year of high school. I had attended church for several weeks in a row, but only as a guest of my friend in her home congregation. I was tremendously conscious of being seen as someone attending church only to impress a girl. Perhaps my paranoia was unfounded, but at the time, it seemed that everybody was viewing my church attendance with a healthy dose of suspicion.
At one point, something happened in our relationship that caused this complex to flare. I realized that I stood at an important turning point in my life. With only one year of high school remaining, my life was about to go through a number of significant changes, whether religion was in the picture or not. I longed to know where I was going. Seeing the next year as an opportunity to “find myself” in this way, I thought I could use it to really search for answers to some of my pressing questions, including those that had arisen regarding the doctrines of Mormonism.
I therefore determined that I would no longer attend church with my friend. I informed her of this decision, though I no longer recall how she reacted. I also made another important decision. I decided that I would continue attending church – on my own, and in a different congregation closer to my home.
The truth was, I really only went to make good on my promise. At this point, I still had no desire to truly learn. I felt I had already gone through that process in seminary and in my previous years of church attendance as a child. That boat had come and gone, and I was no longer interested. Moreover, I was super conscious about giving the false impression to anybody that I was “back for good.” So, I tried to remain as neutral and nonchalant as possible when I was asked what I thought about church.
Attending church this one time inevitably led to attendance on subsequent Sundays. I had been afraid this would happen, but I realized I had brought it upon myself by agreeing to attend in the first place. At first I held strong in my neutrality and successfully maintained my status as an uninterested observer. However, despite these initial feelings, being in church had the inevitable effect of awaking some of those now dormant thoughts I had previously entertained regarding the purpose of life and religion in general. It simply was a topic that I found too fascinating to ignore.
While I still shared little in common with these Mormons regarding beliefs, for the first time, I began to analyze the Church as an institution. It became clear to me that for many the Church was a priceless asset, both in terms of temporal benefits and as a sense of spirituality and purpose in life. I began consider whether I felt the Church might actually offer anything of value to me.
I began to think particularly about the experience of missionaries. Many of my friends were beginning to leave to spend two years on missions throughout the various nations of the world. While I was still utterly opposed to the idea of proselytizing one’s religion, my love for all things international sparked feelings of envy as I watched my friends going off to foreign countries and learning new languages. I began to recognize how much value one could gain from such a trying experience. I even toyed with the idea of using the missionary program as a means of satisfying my personal quest for international adventure for the mere sake of the experience. But of course, these thoughts were not very serious.
As summer came, I prepared to enter my senior year of high school. I had attended church for several weeks in a row, but only as a guest of my friend in her home congregation. I was tremendously conscious of being seen as someone attending church only to impress a girl. Perhaps my paranoia was unfounded, but at the time, it seemed that everybody was viewing my church attendance with a healthy dose of suspicion.
At one point, something happened in our relationship that caused this complex to flare. I realized that I stood at an important turning point in my life. With only one year of high school remaining, my life was about to go through a number of significant changes, whether religion was in the picture or not. I longed to know where I was going. Seeing the next year as an opportunity to “find myself” in this way, I thought I could use it to really search for answers to some of my pressing questions, including those that had arisen regarding the doctrines of Mormonism.
I therefore determined that I would no longer attend church with my friend. I informed her of this decision, though I no longer recall how she reacted. I also made another important decision. I decided that I would continue attending church – on my own, and in a different congregation closer to my home.
I developed a strong desire to learn for myself what I really believed, and to pass a more educated judgment on the gospel believed by members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There was something there, and I would find out what it was.
2 comments:
Thanks for you blog, Nils. I find it fascinating how honest and straightforward you can be with your thoughts, and really appreciate your honesty. It takes a brave person to really think through, and "feel out," if you will, your spiritual beliefs and then lay them all out on the table for everyone to see. It's a shame we weren't closer in high school, because the mental/emotional process you explained closely mimics my own at the time, although there were some significant differences in experience (as is to be expected). I'll continue to read as long as you continue to share!
Hi Anna! Glad to have you here, and I hope you will enjoy!
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